The Line is for people who know what they want

to talk about gauging a cafe. Please for the love of god, don’t walk into a bakery that serves primarily baked goods & breads and expect a frappuccino. This is NOT Starbucks. We would be glad to make you a basic espresso based drink or perhaps a coffee or tea.

Also, no foam swans, fuck you. Only expect that in a cafe that is coffee focused.

Think before you enter… coffee based or pastry based.

If you’re not sure- you can usually tell by the amount of product they have.

First of all, I don’t give a fuck what you know about coffee or what country you just flew in form that had the most amazing coffee. Sure, we can make casual conversation about how your day was or why you particularly like the coffee I’m serving you. Fine. But, let’s take a step back for a second. You’re sitting there telling me this and that and telling me I’m making your drink wrong… And it’s suddenly come to my attention that you don’t know what you’re talking about. And what you don’t realize is that I know this about you.

For example, I had a man come in and tell me that he just “came back from Spain and the most amazing coffee comes from Spain”. Any one who knows a lick about coffee will tell you that it does not come from motherfucking Spain.

So, Spain this, Spain that… he then proceeds to ask for a macchiato which, is espresso shot(s) with a dollop or so of foam. Macchiato means “mark” and therefore a white “mark” in the brown espresso. That isn’t what he wanted. Which was in fact a cortado- basically just a latte but only about 4 oz of it and no foam. He told me what I made him was wrong and continued to tell me I was wrong after asking him some more questions about his coffee purchase. I of course apologized knowing fully that it was he who was wrong. I figured out what he wanted despite it not being on my menu and had read about it a while back in a latte tutorial.

So next time- instead of talking out of your ass, I suggest you shut your trap about how much you actually know about coffee and explain to your barista exactly what you want.

I know you all are aware that you should be tipping your waiter/tress and bartender. And rightfully so. But, you’ve probably never tipped your Barista. If you have, I applaud you especially if you’re a cappuccino addict. You wouldn’t order a Martini from any bar without tipping your cocktail waitress or bartender… so why should you expect to get a perfect cappuccino without a tip? It’s just as important and regulars who don’t tip are even worse. I guarantee you that sooner or later one of the Baristas are going to decide that you’re going to get decaf. 

Foreigners, when I travel to your lovely cities I pick up a travel guide and I’m inclined to say that you do as well. I’m 100% positive that there is a whole section (written in your native language) on restaurants and cafes and what gratuity to pay for every occasion. The 2005 movie “Waiting” has this very scenario of 2 German couples coming in and acting like they don’t speak English and at the end don’t tip. And then they go on to say in German with subtitles something along the line of “we’re not paying, what idiots”… Bullshit. You order 20 cappuccinos for you and you and all your cousins and not at least throwing your change in there is reprehensible. Not to mention the fact that you’re going to go home with all this change and you’re not even going to be able to do anything with it. It’s going to sit on your dresser hang for a while and collect dust until maybe you decide that it’s time to come back. 

The last person on my list of bad tippers is particularly heinous. This is the person who comes 30 seconds to close or needs special attention i.e. needs their muffin in a plastic container bow tied and triple bagged or spends 45 minutes picking out 2 pastries only after 35 minutes of coaxing. If we put the time and effort into something or allow you to be in our store past closing time, a tip is in order. You’re causing our brains to explode by your indecisiveness, general lack of environmental awareness or tardiness. Don’t be so upset the next time your Barista closes the store and laughs in your face. He/she probably wasn’t given a good tip and wants to get the hell out of the store.  I once had a lady come into the store right as I was closing the door. My co-worker said just let her in. So I did and she took 10 minutes to pick out a simple pastry after asking us about everyone in the case. It came out to $2.95 and paid with $3. She then proceeded to put her nickle back in her purse. Not that the nickle is significant but it all adds up. And the age-old a`dage is true, actions speak louder than words.

First, I’m a Barista. I have been for several years. I have come across all of the characters I will be acknowledging in my writings. I have also laughed, mingled, socialized and grieved with many of my regulars. So, before you think that I’m just another jaded customer service jockey… You’re probably right. However, I do enjoy customer service when it’s rewarding, like any job. I’m just hoping that maybe, someone, somewhere will read this and think about their filthy acts of being “that guy”. You may not even be aware that you’re “that guy”. Which is fine but, I’m hoping this will enlighten you. 

Warm Regards.